timberland trapper hat I’m Not Dead
Which is, of course, the reason I haven’t updated. It seems I only update when my life is in shambles. (That theory will be confirmed by the end of this entry.)
So, since it’s been forever since I’ve posted last I’ll do an efficient bullet point style entry. We’ll see how well that works.
[BULLETPOINT] (I don’t know how to actually put a bulletpoint in without a lot of remembering HTML, so just pretend) The murder trial I was a juror on lasted over a month, and most certainly changed my life forever. I suppose that will happen when you’re forced to see photographs and video of a woman with her head blown open by a high powered rifle. For those who are curious, the man drove a woman out to the country, shot her from behind with a high powered rifle, and left her body in a ditch. He was high on meth, she was a meth dealer. It’s not like she was an upstanding citizen to begin with, but no one deserves to die that way. It especially hit home with me because I used to be a meth addict, and I could’ve easily been in a similar situation. After 3 days deliberation, we found him guilty of second degree murder (because of a stipulation in the wording of the charges). I didn’t sleep more than a few hours a night the entire month long trial, nor for several months after it ended. I still wake up in the middle of the night panicked and anxious. And the sight of her face, half gone half mangled, will forever be burned into my mind.
[BULLETPOINT] Biggest change because of the trial? I started going to church. Every Sunday. In fact, because the Captain is gung ho Catholic, we even go during the week at least twice. Yes, you read that right. Julie goes to Catholic Mass several times a week. I’m still shocked, too, trust me.
[BULLETPOINT] Speaking of the Captain, he’s still the kindest and most caring person I know. I’m lucky he’s in my life and I don’t know what I would do without his support during difficult times like the trial. He leaves in December and we haven’t discussed what will happen. We’re both avoiding even talking about it, and the fact is if I don’t bring it up we will never talk about it. He’s good at avoidance. He’ll avoid things he doesn’t want to deal with until they go away or he can no longer avoid them. Thus far, it’s the only thing I can really say negatively about him, which I suppose is good. However, I do truly love him. He is my best friend and I would say yes in a moment to spending the rest of my life with him if he asked. Which, if you take into account that we’ve done nothing but go on dates, go to church, hang out 24/7, hug and hold hands, it’s a pretty bold statement.
[BULLETPOINT]That just sounded like I’m 15. It doesn’t seem creepy and odd until I write it out. I’m 30 dating a 23 year old virgin, we don’t make out or do anything physically sexual, and I’d marry him in a heartbeat. Perhaps it’s because I’m so consumed in this relationship that I don’t see how insane it sounds to others. Or to me, if I look at it objectively from afar. Hmm. I can’t explain why because I’m not even sure why, but nothing has felt this right before with anyone. Ever.
[BULLETPOINT] This weekend is my 31st birthday. Can you believe I was only 20 when I began this site? It’s been over ten years, wtf?! Also, with 31, the rationalization that I just turned 30 and I’m still young and just left my 20s goes away and I’m left with the fact that I’m firmly implanted in my 30s now. Without a husband and without children.
[BULLETPOINT] See what I did there? I said children. As if I’ve contemplated having them. Which I have.
[BULLETPOINT] My mother has a tumor. I just found out yesterday and they’re doing testing to see if it’s benign or cancerous. She had a full hysterectomy 18 years ago, cervix and all. She started bleeding last week and I joked that it must be like a nose bleed because it’s dried up and dusty in there. Now she has a tumor and I can’t stop crying. Even now as I type this I’m crying and I was perfectly composed 30 seconds ago. So, let’s not dwell on this for now. She gets the results back next week and I’m praying that the results will be good news. Literally praying, in church, every day. I can’t lose my mother, despite the rocky past we’ve had, she’s my mother and I love her and I want her to be here when I get married and have babies and need her. Because I do. I might be 31, but I still need my mommy.